Random One-Liners

Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.

Definitions

Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?

Lt. Frank Drebin: Well… it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
TV/Movie Quotes

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.

Children Money Proverbs Sex

How much would you charge to haunt a house?

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Appearance Communication

I don’t advocate that children start smoking… but for those kids who already do smoke, boy, it’s good, isn’t it?

Miscellaneous

That’s what Abel was saying when he got it in the back from his own brother with a cane.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Misspokements TV/Movie Quotes

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs

Bankrupt Association Termed In Poor Shape

Headlines

Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.

Murphy’s Laws Problems

Dead Man Remains Dead

Headlines

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Children Family

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Definitions People

I’ve always felt sorry for Jesus ‘cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Miscellaneous

I can see the sun okay, and that's 93 million miles away.

American baseball umpire
Baseball Sports

Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.

(1955 –2011) business magnate, co-founder & CEO of Apple
Last words

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance Body

All of the troubles that some people have in life is that which they married into.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Marriage Problems

I don’t hate you… I just don’t like that you exist.

(1975 – ) American author
Insults

Peter Marshall: According to Better Homes and Gardens, Is it a good idea to give your yard a light sprinkle?

Michael Landon: … well, if you can’t make it to the house, I mean…

(1936 – 1991) American actor, writer, director & producer
Hollywood Squares

The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.

(1862 – 1960) English writer
Intelligence People Wisdom

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older… little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman—stuff you pay good money for in later life.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Age Life Sex