Random One-Liners

Peter Marshall: Can traffic noises affect your sexual prowess?

Jim Backus: Yes, so you should pull over and park.

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor
Hollywood Squares

I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddie?

(1916 – 2008) American professional golfer
Golf Sports

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Democracy Government

Transsexuals Benefits Cut Off

Headlines

If you're a guy, you're wearing a fanny pack, the only thing inside there's, like, a butt plug and Streisand tickets.

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
People Things

To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

Murphy’s Laws People

Lizard Re-routes Queen's Plane

Headlines

I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Self

I can see the light at the end of the rainbow.

Mixed metaphors

Yes, but not the same ones.

American professor
Family

An argument is two people trying to get in the last word first.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Conversation Speech

Football coaches walk across the field after the game and pretend to congratulate the opposing coach; baseball managers head right for the beer.

American sportswriter
Baseball Football Sports

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

It is always the best policy to speak the truth…` unless, of course you are an exceptionally good liar.

(1859 – 1927) English writer
Beliefs Honesty Truth

I'm on the edge of my feet.

(1971 – ) American actress
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

Peter Marshall: You’re marrying a man who’s been married before. According to the book “Everyday Ettiquette, is it all right to wear a veil?

Paul Lynde: No, I’m just gonna wear a baseball cap.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Scooter Libby was found guilty of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements… or, as the White House calls it, a press conference.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Crime Government Law

We can still hang our heads high.

Mixed metaphors

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Characteristics Eating Food/Drink People

Suspected Alien Boat Dodges Customs

Headlines

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Places Science/Weather